How were you mothered? It’s important because the mothering you received impacted the mother you became. Now, of course, many other things impact mothering. However, a young girl is significantly influenced by the relationship she has with her mother.
Below are nine mothering styles and the impact they have on a daughter. Often, a mother uses a combination of styles. The adjustment in style may be related to the number of children, their developmental stages, her maturity over time, and the presence of a significant other.
Self-Centered Mothering – Everything is about her. She is very self focused. The world revolves around her life and the household revolves around her. She craves attention and will take it away from anyone else who may have the spotlight. She eclipses the daughter and rarely approves of her.
Daughter of Self-Centered Mothering – The daughter may have a very insecure relationship with her mother. Her insecurities may also surface in relationships outside her mother. Since the mother is self-absorbed and usually inattentive, the daughter does not know her value and worth.
Enmeshed Mothering – Unlike the Self-Centered Mother where it’s all about the mom, this mother, it’s all about the daughter. The mother’s life literally revolves around the daughter. The daughter is the center of the mother’s universe. The enmeshed mother invades the daughter’s life. She can’t bear the daughter having a separate identity from her. She wants to have input on all matters related to the daughter and believes the daughter should listen and follow her advice. It is as if this mother is living the daughter’s life.
Daughter of Enmeshed Mothering – It is extremely challenging for the daughter to deal with the mother being so involved in her life. In this case, the daughter feels pressured to follow her mother’s advice in order to be a good/perfect daughter. On the one hand this daughter appreciates the attention but on the other hand she feels smothered by the mother.
Appearance Mothering – This mother is focus on the superficial, how people look, what clothes you wear. This mom is perfectly put together at all times. She may be a perfectionist and expects perfection from her daughter. She’s overly concerned about the daughter’s appearance, weight, hair, and clothing. She also sees the daughter’s appearance as an extension and reflection of her own.
Daughter of Appearance Mothering – The daughter may feel insecure because she doesn’t measure up to her mother’s expectations. The daughter also may end up on the other end of the continuum as a perfectionist and nothing is ever good enough. Believing that she’s not pretty enough, her clothes don’t look nice enough, her body type and weight are never perfect. Therefore, she may over focus on her own body and outward appearance because of the pressure that she received growing up from her mother.
Competitive Mothering – This mother feels threatened by her daughter’s youth, accomplishments, and activities; like friendships, sports, etc. This mother actively competes with the daughter. The mom may even upstage and belittle the daughter. The competition usually increases as the daughter gets closer to becoming a woman.
Daughter of Competitive Mothering – Due to the unending competition, the daughter will feel both insignificant and competitive. She will feel insecure about her accomplishments as they are not celebrated by her mother. The daughter may have a hard time with female friendship as she may view them as competitors and relate to them as such. This daughter is prone to low self-esteem too.
Neglectful Mothering – The neglectful mother is unavailable emotionally. She doesn’t provide the basic mothering. She is unresponsive or disconnected from the needs of her daughter. The neglectful mother may be unavailable due to physical health, mental health, focus on intimate relationships, and substance abuse. Sometimes a mother is unavailable for healthier reason like needing to work long hours to support family, going to school while working, or focusing most of her attention of a sick child.
Daughter of Neglectful Mothering – Even when the neglect happens for a noble reason, the daughter experiences a lack of emotional support. She may feel unlovable, worthless and invalidated because her mother did not pay attention to her needs. The daughter may to continue this neglect of her needs well into adulthood.
Martyr Mothering – The martyr lets the daughter know how much she has sacrificed in order to be a mother. She uses guilt to control. This mother expects appreciation for everything she does, big or small. She also blames the daughter for what goes wrong because as a martyr, she can’t be wrong.
Daughter of Martyr Mothering – A daughter of martyr mothering may feel emotionally uncomfortable around her mother. She will carry a great deal of guilt and fault. She will take on the role of being the problem, the blame for things in her adult life because that’s how she was treated as a child. She may be either extremely grateful or resentful for what others do for her.
Critical Mothering – This mother is a fault finder. The daughter could do 50 things right and do one thing wrong by the mom’s standards and the mother will criticize the one “wrong” thing. As the fault finder, she pays little or no attention to request performed well and rarely compliments her daughter. Instead she makes a point to let the daughter know when she’s messed up. If the daughter makes mostly As and one C, the mother is going to harp on the lower grade instead of celebrating the As. Also, this mother uses destructive ways to motivate the daughter like sarcasm, put downs, hurtful humor or name calling.
Daughter of Critical Mothering – Daughters of critical mothers, typically feel guilt or shame. Guilt causes these daughters to believe that everything they do is wrong or bad. But shame makes the daughter feel that she is inherently bad or wrong.
Controlling Mothering – This type of mothering is closely related to critical mothering. However, this mother has the final word. There are only two ways of doing things, her way and the wrong way. Not adhering to her way is seen as a challenge to her authority. If her daughter tries to speak up, the mother will view her as either disrespectful or a challenge to her authority.
Daughter of Controlling Mothering – The daughter may be compliant or rebellious. She may be timid to make her own decisions because she doesn’t trust her own decision-making. She may feel insecure and helpless.
Nurturing Mothering – This is the healthy mothering type. She responds to the daughter’s needs in a healthy way. Her response is based on the daughter not herself. She is in tune with what the child needs. She helps the daughter develop self worth and competency by building her up. When the daughter makes mistakes, the mother uses these as teaching moments, not opportunities to shame or criticize the daughter. When the daughter is competent, the mom celebrates her accomplishments instead becoming competitive. She also encourages the daughter to develop an identity separate from her. She realizes and accepts that her daughter is a separate human being with separate desires and goals and emotions. She celebrates that differences between herself and her daughter and wants her daughter to be an individual with her own identity.
Daughter of Nurturing Mothering – This mothering style creates a daughter who grows into a well-balanced individual with a healthy identity. She is secure and know she can depend of her mother for support. She has healthy self-esteem and knows she is valued.
The nurturing or healthy mothering is the style to aspire to.
If you received less than Nurturing Mothering, consider what you can do to overcome the limitations of the mothering you received. It is not a life sentence. We can rise above our mothering. Also consider how you can provide nurturing mothering to your children as they desire the absolute best you have to offer.
Remember…It’s Never Too Late to Heal!
