Grieve the Life
My life has not turned out the exactly the way I thought it would. How about yours? I never thought about grieving the life I didn’t have because it felt like I was dishonoring the life I do have or feeling sorry for myself. But why not grieve the expected life that did not happen? Let’s face it, it’s a loss too.
I want to take you through an experience around grieving the life that didn’t happen. You can do this as a mental exercise, a meditation or you can journal the experience. What’s involved is looking back over your life to some significant event or events that didn’t turn out as you envisioned. I want you to consider how you have loss, how things haven’t happened the way that you wanted them to in and what you can do to accept it.
What I’d like you to do is to get comfortable where you are as you read through this blog and think over your life. Think about what in your life hasn’t happened the way that you thought it would. Are you a career woman who thought you’d be a stay at home mother? Did you think you would have a house full of children and found yourself unable to conceive? Are you single when you envisioned being married by now? Are you in an unfulfilling relationship? Where did life take a turn you didn’t expect?
Was it your childhood? Was it in your relationships with parents or siblings? Early losses, struggles in your relationships, abandonment, rejection, whatever it is, I want you to bring that to mind. If you’re journaling, write it.
The Life that Didn’t Happen
What I bring to mind is the night my 17-year-old daughter ran away and all that I lost that night. I had envisioned how her last year of high school would go. I dreamed of launching her into young adulthood in a healthy way, supporting her while letting go too. None of these hopes and dreams were a part of my reality once she left. My relationship with her was forever changed.
Just bring to mind whatever didn’t happen in your life the way you wanted it to. Envision all the ways that life did not turn out as you expected and just be with those images. Write down everything you missed out on because life didn’t turn out like you thought. What happened instead, what did you lose. Sometimes the life we’re living can feel like is not our own..
How do you feel about what didn’t happen? Heartbroken, devastated, angry, robbed, hurt, rejected, disbelief are some of the emotion brought on by grief. Just experience those feelings, whatever they are and write them if you’re journaling. What are your thoughts about what didn’t happen? What did you say to yourself as these things were happening? What did you tell yourself about the situation? Did you make this situation mean something about you? Some of us experience regret, hopelessness, anxiety, confusion, loneliness, loss and shame. Just be with the feelings and continue to breathe.
For some experiencing these feelings may cause tears to flow and that’s okay. Strong feelings may surface. Let it be. That’s the expression of grief. Let that part of you experience whatever it needs to experience and just be there for it. Allow the space, allow the opening, be the container for the emotions. And breath. Be there for yourself and comfort yourself.
You may have told yourself that this will never happen again because you wanted to protect yourself from those things that didn’t turn out the way you wanted them to. You may have told yourself, “I will protect myself. I will make myself safe.” Is this kind of the bargain that you made with yourself? Promises that you would do things better. And, if you said these things to yourself, just be okay with it because you didn’t want these bad things to happen again. So think about the things you’ve told yourself, the bargains you’ve made.
Honor the Good in Life
Accept that life hasn’t turned out the way you expected and be okay with it, Accept it because at the time you were doing the absolute best that you could. And the reason that I know this to be true is because you’ve created a life despite the things that didn’t turn out the way you wanted them to. You are still here. You are still striving. Those things didn’t take you out so breathe in that life force. Breathe in the fact that you survived the things that happened. Breath in the fact that you’re still here growing, moving, creating, breathe it all in.
I want you to notice or list what was good in the midst of what didn’t happen as you expected. We often just focus on the bad. But when those things were happening in your life, there were good things happening too. There may have been good people in your life that were there to support you. May have been a teacher, your mom, a friend, an aunt. That time wasn’t all bad, so take your attention to what was good at that time. What did you rely on when things were happening that you didn’t expect? Breathe in the goodness, that there was good in the midst of the bad. Put as many things as possible on the good list.
The other thing we want to do is draw on that strength. Draw on the strength that got you to where you are right now to motivate and propel you forward. Again, I know you have strength because you’re still here. List your strong qualities that help you get through struggles. Grieve the life that didn’t happen but allow yourself the pleasure of the life you do have. Important, grieve the life that didn’t happen, but allow yourself the pleasure of the life that you do have.
Breathe in and list everything that’s good in our life, whether it’s the people, the circumstances, your health, your good relationships, breathe in all the goodness that is your life. Stable job. People who love you, healthy children, parents who are still living, whatever it is, a dependable car, whatever it is that’s good in your life, let’s honor that and breathe in the goodness of the good life.
Remember…It’s Never Too Late To Heal.
