What are some of the common reasons we find ourselves grieving? The loss of a loved one is the number one cause of grief. The loss of a home or job are significant losses too. People also grieve limitations due to mental and physical issues. These are some of the common reason that people grieve. I have grieved each of these losses at different times of my life.

Grief is the normal process that we go through after loss. The stages experienced are denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, and acceptance. Now keep in mind that you may not go through all of these stages nor go through them sequentially. However, most people experience some of these stages if not all of them.

Denial

The first one is denial. When loss happens, usually the first thing we do is deny it. It’s hard to accept. We’re numb, it’s unbelievable. The body goes into protect mode. I remember when I was first told of the passing of my brother, my mind went blank literally. There was absolutely no thought. It was as if my mind went dark. I sat in the chair unable to move. Although denial is what I experienced first, it may not be the first stage for everyone.

Anger

The second stage is anger. Some people get mad about the loss. They may be mad about the fact that their loved one is dead, how they died, how the loss impacts them, mad at the unexpected nature of the loss, and they may be mad for some unknown reason they can’t even express. Anger was one of the stages I did not experience with the loss of my brother. As stated earlier, every person doesn’t experience every stage.

Bargaining

The third stage is bargaining. We make promises. We may make promises to God. We may make promises to ourselves. We swear we will behave differently if the situation could change. Bargaining is a type of promise, agreement with a Higher Power, others or with our self. My bargaining occurred before by brother was formally pronounced deceased. He was on life support and my mother, father, and sister had to make the decision to remove life support after all the medical tests indicated no viable life. When I knew support had been removed, I prayed and bargained with God to please let there be brainwaves, breath, a heartbeat and LIFE. There was a strong heartbeat for quite a while, but no brain activity, and ultimately no life.

Sadness/Depression

The fourth stage of loss is sadness or depression. Sometimes this depression exceeds normal sadness. Sometimes people are clinically depressed and need the intervention of a therapist or a professional, but there is absolutely deep sadness in our losses. This stage was the most long-standing in the loss of my brother. I experienced an anniversary effect on the 15^th of each month which was the date of his passing. I was inconsolable, numb, and disconnected around the 15th of each month for the first year. I had to make the decision not to work on the 15^th of the month and make it a self-care day as I was barely functioning.

Acceptance

And lastly is getting to the stage of acceptance. This stage marks a new normal. We incorporate the changes into our life. Life is different than it was before the loss. It will never be the same again. However, we accept the new life, we accept the loss and we begin to live again. Being 2 years past the loss of my brother has brought a new normal. I am no longer numb. I can work on the 15th of each month. I miss him. The tears still flow as they did when I wrote this blog. But they are different now. They are tears of celebration of the wonderful man he was and how fortunate I feel to call him my brother and to have shared time and space with him.

Never Too Late To Heal